Empowerment

My blog has become very boring. I keep thinking about writing more, but I just haven't. So, here's to giving that a shot. Lately I've been thinking about empowerment, especially in terms of being a woman and what that means to me in my life. I was inspired by the following women and their stories of courage and empowerment:

Elizabeth Smart

Rebecca Musser

To me empowerment means having a voice and making choices. Both of those women had those things taken from them for a time, but were able to survive and now use their voice to help others.

I have struggled in my life from time to time with having a voice and making choices. Sometimes my fear of making a wrong choice has made me feel paralyzed. I'd like to think I am making progress though. I am trying not to be afraid of my own voice and I am learning that it's ok to make mistakes.

I can see evidence of this in my decisions with this pregnancy. When I had Paul I went to the only OB in the small town where we lived. He was an old-school doctor about to retire. He was not kind. I did not like him. I did whatever the hospital or doctor/nurses told me to do. I felt they knew best and I had very little experience. Although everything went well and I had a healthy baby, I did not come away from the experience feeling empowered.

Sam's birth was much different. After Paul's birth I gave up on male OBs and any doctor about to retire. I loved my doctor with Sam and most of the nurses were great. I had a natural birth with him and felt very empowered by that. Still there were things that happened with the hospital staff that were not ok, but again I just did what I was told.

With Audrey I knew what kind of birth I wanted and tried to make that clear. I liked my doctor, but she and the hospital staff did not listen to me and I did not want to cause trouble, so again I went along with what they told me to do. I have since learned that that particular hospital is very "medical" and was not the best choice for a natural birth. I did not like the way I was treated there, even though I did get to have a natural birth.

So this time round I was going to go with the clinic where I'd been going for annual exams and such. Then I realized that the receptionists are usually cranky and it's a big clinic where I often have to wait to be seen and there's not a whole lot of personalized attention/care. I decided to take matters into my own hands. I looked into a birth center and loved it. I was set on going there, but realized that with our insurance it would cost a lot more. Plus Jeremy was supportive, but had some concerns about it not being a hospital. I found a midwife close to our house that delivers at a hospital. Although I was disappointed about giving up the birth center, I feel really comfortable with my decision. My midwife is great and the clinic is small so I never have to wait. I get lots of personal attention and we have discussed my past birth experiences and my current birth plan. Although there are still some things I don't like about the hospital procedures, I will probably get to have more things my way (i.e. no induction, no IV, snacks, a tub, a natural birth without laying flat or my feet in stirrups, leaving early) as long as everything goes well. Already I feel more confident and I am glad I was able to speak up and make my own choices about what I want, even though it took me awhile to figure that out.